just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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