fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
