Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
