You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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