He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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