Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
