I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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