You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
