Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
