I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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