did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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