The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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