I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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