I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
