did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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