turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
