I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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