I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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