i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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