Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
