if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
