I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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