I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
