am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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