They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize