there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
