so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
