last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
