I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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