you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
