remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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