Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
