She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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