PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
