Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
