Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
