I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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