I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize