just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
