I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
