She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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