great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
