i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
