I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize