you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
