Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
