i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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