i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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