the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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