oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
