This is not my ceiling
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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