Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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