dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
