I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
