thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
