I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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