I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
