You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
